I am so grateful to share my story and this space with you. I believe the things we go through in life constantly reform and refine the people we are. If you were to ask me 5 years ago whether I’d have a blog, a website or even be putting myself out there I’d think you were crazy. It’s funny where life leads you. What a wild ride it’s been so far and I feel like it’s just the beginning.
The last few years for me have been literally life-changing, unexpected, amazing, terribly hard and by far the most challenging years of my life. I became a mom and lost my mom in the same year. Last year. I am a doctor, a wife, and the most proud, exhausted mama.
I went to school for 8 long years to become a doctor so I could help women. I made that choice to allow me the flexibility to have a family. That’s all I truly wanted… To be a mama and have a career where I could be of service and feel fulfilled. I married the man of my dreams. He worked his way into my life because he knew what he wanted and never looked back. I’m so glad he did. We wanted the same things… a family, balance, the simple things. Soon after we married we were ready to grow our family. Months and months went by and we started to wonder. Testing, waiting, worrying. We got the most devastating news… our chance of having a baby on our own was slim, less then 10% in fact. When you go through life accomplishing and achieving the things you have in mind for yourself and a cement wall like that pops up, its hard. I was crushed. My plan, my dreams were completely turned upside-down. I questioned everything. Being a doctor didn’t seem to matter, the trivial things that consumed me were just that. I was angry. I was confused. I was devastated and most of all lost. After looking at all the options and years of waiting and trusting that it would all work our we started fertility treatments. It felt unnatural, impossible, and so far from romantic.
Fast forward 2 years…That moment, 2 long years after deciding to have a family of our own…. oh how I remember that moment…what felt like the 5ooth pregnancy test. It was finally POSITIVE. I remember that feeling, it was like no other. Nothing compared. Pure joy and disbelief. I was scared, nervous, excited and all I wanted to do was hold my miracle baby.
That same week – without a doubt to that point in my life, the best week of my life, everything crumbled… My mom, my inspiration, my light was diagnosed with cancer. The scary kind. That moment…that moment… it was the WORST of my life. The look of disparity and helplessness in the eyes of the strongest woman I knew. The woman who was the picture of health, who took amazing care of herself and our family, who did whatever it took to give us what we needed. That moment I’ll never forget. It was awful.
We spent the next 9 months flip flopping from such excitement to such fear. We stood by my mom to try and give her a fraction of what she had given all of us. She fought with such grace and peace. She showed us all what strength and courage is. We lost my mom when my daughter was 6 months old. My mom was able to hold her when she was just a few hours old, she sang to her, she sat in the garden with her, she held her when she was strong enough and just gazed at her when she wasn’t. What a blessing those times were. I will cherish them forever.
Somehow I made it through these last few years. I know now being on the other side that when you truly need it you are given the strength to get through whatever is in front of you. I realized a lot through all of it.
One… you really truly don’t know what life has in store for you. Those moments in life as small as they may seem will mean the world to you one day and you can never go back. They are memories, really precious memories forever.
Two… you have the ability to choose. To choose how you spend each moment and the perspective you choose to view your world and your situation through.
While my mom was sick I ran back and forth from my home to my office to the hospice with my daughter in tow. I created as much balance as I could at the time. I was in pure survival mode… I had obligations that I felt I had to keep. We had financial stress and life just happened… the good and the bad. I was lucky enough to have some flexibility and I was surrounded by an unreal support system, family, friends and to them I am eternally grateful.
My daughter…who is now almost 2!!! Is the greatest, I mean absolute best gift in the entire world. You are THE reason I get up everyday and give it what I can. You mean the world to me my dear. It seems when you are faced with huge life events like these you take a step back, you evaluate how and what you are spending your time doing. You start to see a bigger picture and see things in a new light. Hardships I suppose really teach you a lot. I am a different person than I was a few years ago. I’ve grown, Ive stepped outside my comfort zone, I’ve pushed myself some days just to get out of bed to take on another day and some days I completely surprise myself. Things, opportunities, people have been placed in-front of me over this last year to guide me and help me grow. I have glimpses often, of the big picture, of why I am here and what I am really here to do. I’ve put myself out there instead of worrying about what others would think because at the end of the day none of that matters. Truly none of it. The only thing that really matters (and I can thank my dad for this) is creating memories with the people you love. I know I am here to help others, I’m realizing now in so many ways. My story may touch you, It may give you hope, give you confidence, give you peace, allow you to see that it will be OK, because it really will. It will be different then you think always, but it will be OK. Everything works in miraculous way. I’ve spent so much of the last year contemplating, questioning and learning. Everything has lined itself up to right now. This moment. I never thought I would be sharing my story, let alone have figured out how to put it on a website I built. I am so grateful to share my journey with you. I know my mom is watching with that loving look of reassurance and I know I am exactly where I am meant to be, right now, in this moment.
I am here to walk out this journey that is set in-front of me. I hope to inspire you to live a healthy, fulfilled life, to encourage you to follow your heart and your dreams, to give you permission, perspective, and to learn to be present in this precious life we are living.
I sincerely thank you for allowing me to share my story and I look so forward to connecting with you and sharing my most cherished resources, thoughts and tips from one mama to another.
With love and gratitude,